Friday, January 8, 2016

For anyone who has ever been or known a preggo...

Today I thought I'd do a mini (okay, full-sized) rant about how the public treat pregnant people.

Let's talk about some rules.

This includes what TO do and NOT to do around someone who's pregnant. Feel free to share with your friends.


RULE 1:  The ONLY thing that is EVER ENTIRELY SAFE to say to a pregnant lady is:

"You look GORGEOUS! May I carry that?"


RULE 2: NO COMMENTING.

"Wow you are so ____ (big/small/basketball shaped/football shaped/insert silly adjective here)___."

I don't know why it is, but it seems that people's brains go to a strange and boundary-less place whenever they see an expecting woman.


RULE 3: UNSOLICITED TOUCHING.

Would you walk up to a strange dog that you didn't know and rub it's belly without asking it's human counterpart for permission? If you would, you run the risk of violating trust and being bitten.

Please control yourselves. I know you feel the need to touch inappropriately: rubbing, petting, patting, etc.

You should only touch someone if they have previously given you explicit permission to do so, and you know what? ASK again. Today might NOT be a good idea to rub that belly. You may be growled at, bitten or intentionally injured for your transgression.


RULE 4: KEEP your HORROR stories to YOURSELF.

Horror stories about your birth or pregnancy or someone else's that you "heard," about or "witnessed," are not for sharing in the supermarket check out line.

WHY would you share this with someone who hasn't had her baby yet? Are you TRYING to make her cry or freak her out? It's likely that she's already on a rollercoaster with a side of freakshow, so just shut the heck up.

Unless you are at a birth trauma forum, DO NOT say ANYTHING about ANYTHING relating to birthing a baby unless she specifically ASKS for your opinion.


RULE 5: ASKING QUESTIONS is OKAY, COMMENTING is NOT.

Asking questions and vomiting an opinion is NOT okay.

"How far along are you?"

"About ___ months/weeks."

"OH! You're  ___showing/not showing/big/small/insert idiotic comment here___  for being that far along. You'll never make it to your due date." (SEE RULES 1 & 2).

NO. Again, simply NO. How would you like to be told that you need to go have a poop right now? Or that you need to practice holding things inside your orifices indefinitely? No one should comment on what a person's timeline is for any bodily function. This goes for pregnancy too.


RULE SIX: NO ADVICE pertaining to WHAT she's putting in her mouth.

Noticing what the pregnant person is eating, and passing judgement, whether positively or negatively is unacceptable.

"Oh, you know, caffeine is really bad for the baby."

OR

"You only need an extra 300 calories a day; should you be eating that chocolate?"

OR

"You shouldn't eat sushi, you could give the baby mercury poisoning."

OR

"Good for you for having that green smoothie."

She doesn't need your opinion. That smoothy could have vodka in it for all you know.

A preggo's cravings or nutritional needs vary from SECOND to second. You don't know what she's dealing with; you're not IN her body after all.

Maybe she has a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum (vomiting throughout pregnancy-- NOT morning sickness people) and NEEDS her calories wherever she can get them -- maybe caffeine helps her NOT to have a headache.

MAYBE IT DOESN'T MATTER if she has any condition at all besides WANTING TO STUFF HER FACE, it's NOT your baby, your body or your BUSINESS.


RULE SEVEN: STOP BLATHERING about CRACKERS and GINGER.

If upon asking about how she's feeling and her mentioning her nausea, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT start going on about the merits of ginger, gingerale and goddamn soda crackers. SHE's HEARD IT, and unless she ASKS YOU expressly for advice, just SHUT UP and nod in sympathy. NOD with your LIPS CLOSED.


RULE EIGHT: HOW MANY KIDS SHE HAS IS IRRELEVANT.

"Oh, is this your first?"

"Yes."

"Aw, how wonderful! It's amazing."

----

"Oh, is this your first?"

"No, it's our ____ (second/third/17th)___."

"Oh. Well, you know what to do."

THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS ASSHOLE! Let me tell you something; EVERY pregnancy is different, just as every human being is different. Just because someone has kids, or is having an additional pregnancy doesn't mean that things are easier this time around. Things may be MORE difficult, or a walk in the park: you don't know, you're not the one pregnant and dealing with life, so STOP JUDGING.


RULE NINE: OFFERING HELP is a NICE thing to do.

I don't care if you see a NON pregnant person struggling in the store; help them out with whatever they're struggling with, or ask someone else to. Pregnant or not, life is hard sometimes.


RULE TEN: SHUT UP about how SLEEPING NOW is important, because after the baby arrives, she'll never sleep again.

It's entirely possible that heartburn, frequent trips to pee every 20 minutes, or something else are keeping her up at night.

This goes for any partners too -- it may be a sleepless frigging household. You SHUT UP about "sleeping when the baby sleeps," too. She'll do whatever is best for her and her family.

RULE ELEVEN: What she's HAVING is a TINY HUMAN, so no GENDER comments.

"Aw, do you know what you're having?"

"Yes, a sparkly unicorn."

------

"Oh, do you know what you're having?"

"Yes, a __boy/girl___."

"Oh, and is that what you wanted first?" --- THIS. THIS is STUPID. Why would you say this? It doesn't matter whether or not parents have a gender preference for the first/second/umpteenth child. They're having what they're having. Are you really emotionally invested about whether she wanted one of each or all one gender or one before the other? Will you be offering long-term emotional support if she doesn't get her want? Okay then. Don't bring it up.


RULE TWELVE: COMMENTING about DIAPER DUTY.

"Enjoy any help you get now, because with the next one, people are less likely to help change diapers."

THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Do you KNOW her family, village or support system? No. You don't. Shut up about things that don't concern you and that you have no idea about.


RULE THIRTEEN: EXERCISE SUGGESTIONS.

"You know, prenatal yoga can really help ease of delivery."

That may be true, but she may be too tired to do anything except drive to the store for cookies. Don't suggest or comment about her exercise habits or lack thereof. You don't know how she feels at the moment.


This list of rules is in it's early stages... feel free to add any insights in the comments section. We're only scratching the surface people.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Fall... I haven't written enough about you this year. Here's part of the 'why,':

My hair is red.
My dress is plaid.
My husband makes the greatest dad.

I'm eating more.
I keep down less--
I wish this part would pass-- I'm stressed.

Our life is grand,
and full of luck!
Some days I feel so trapped and stuck.

Our lovely friends,
live with us too.
We've given them a lot to do.

I'm glad it's fall.
My favourite time.
That's why right now, I try to rhyme.

A basket ball,
Attached to front,
Is what I look like (with a grunt).

The gorgeous leaves,
Outside are seen,
Let's have some tea; just enjoy being.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

From A to Z about Me. Yes, it's a selfish post... HA!

Somehow I stumbled across some silly survey including the alphabet that apparently has been flitting across some blogger's pages.

It sounds like fun, so I'm going to tell you more about myself, but with a little twist.

I am going to write my own version of this questionnaire involving the alphabet,  which is called "The ABCs of Me," with additional answers that I think are cool.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

 The Letter A:

 1) Ask --  I think questions are wonderful things!

2) Age --  I think age is relative.

3) Availability -- Depends on what you'd like me to be available for... ;-).

 The Letter B: 

1) Believe -- Faith in yourself or in something is important. Belief can be an important motivator and humbling thing, just remember to keep your mind open to changing your beliefs or at least re-evaluating them from time to time.

2) Birthday -- November.

3) Best -- Lately, I think the best thing are my son's jokes. Toddlers have a unique sense of humor, and his is developing nicely.

The Letter C: 

1) Compassion --  This is one of the most important qualities, that a living creature can have. Without compassion there cannot be love and understanding; things we all should have more of in my opinion.

2) Chore -- I don't mind chores, but I will say that I detest taking the garbage out of the house to the bin. I don't mind gathering the trash from around the house receptacles, but I hate touching the large outdoor dumpster thing.

3) Colour -- Currently, my favourite colour is Robin's Egg Blue (basically Tiffany Blue).

The Letter D: 

1) Dreams --  I often have vivid dreams and I use them as writing tools or inspirations sometimes. I daydream too.

2) Dogs -- Are fabulous, just like most other animals. Cats rock too! Honestly, sometimes I think animals have more compassion at times than humans.  Another of my favourites are Draft Horses -- such wonderful creatures!

3) Drink -- I don't drink very often, but on special occasions, I'm quite fond of dirty vodka martinis or fresh (no fake mix and not too much sugar) margaritas. I also like a good true old fashioned and I miss a nitro pour dark beer.

The Letter E: 

1) Eyes -- Ah, the windows to the soul. Mine are dark brown with gold tortoise swirls if you stare at them closely in the mirror, which I often did as a child. You can see universes deep within someones eyes! Oceans!

2) Eggs -- I don't eat eggs anymore, but when I did, I loved Eggs Benedict.

3) Ethics -- They are important! I always try to do the right thing.

The Letter F:

1) Favourites -- Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker... hah, just kidding.... I like dark chocolate homemade milky way candy bars.

2) Floss -- Yes, I floss. Flossing is important!

3) Flashback -- I have flashbacks when I listen to certain music that takes me back to a particular time in my life. Ah, memory lane.

The Letter G: 

1) Give --  I'm not great at taking, but I'm getting better, thanks to my wonderful partner.

2) Goals -- I have them. Sometimes I fail, but failing's half the fun! Besides, you learn more about yourself and your process with failing. Failing, is succeeding!

3) Gold or Silver -- Silver. I'm pale and redheaded with dark eyes and freckles and my veins are blue not green, so silver.

The Letter H:

1) Hair -- My hair is thick, curly/wavy and red.

2) Height -- I'm above average, but under 6 feet.

3) Hope -- I have hope for many things in this world. I hope we can love our mother earth and save the whales and other endangered species, for example.

The Letter I:

1) Instrument -- Oh, MUUUUUSIC! I sing (so my body's my instrument) and I was a percussionist for over 15 years, and I also dabble on the piano as well as my guitar.

2) Ice Cream -- Delicious. My favourite lately is Cows Gone Coconut plain ole' chocolate. Though, I think I have famously said, that I'm not committed to chocolate or vanilla... some days you need a twist dipped in maple coating. ;-)

3) Indulgence -- It's important to indulge occasionally. I cook and bake a lot, so I indulge with homemade decadence, usually something salty or sweet or both.

The Letter J:

1) Job -- Massage Therapist, Writer, Actor, Singer, Dancer... the list goes on.

2) Jonesing -- Currently, I'm jonesing for Fall and everything pumpkin. Sadly, it's only August.

3) Justice -- I have a deeply rooted sense of it. If someone is bullying, or being cruel, I step in. I don't feel as though I have a choice, it's just something I do.

The Letter K:

1) Kids -- We have a delightful son and another baby currently on the way...

2) Kilo -- I memorized the phonetic alphabet (Radio) on a trip with my then boyfriend (who became my partner for life).

3) Kindergarten -- I love kindergarten! Sometimes I think adults should go back to it's schedule; I bet we'd be more productive with play time and a nap.

The Letter L:

1) Love -- The best four letter word in the world! I try to express my love for my family and friends daily. The planet needs more love!

2) Living Arrangement -- I live in a multigenerational household.

3) Lies -- I am pretty intolerant when it comes to being lied to. I believe in honesty and being forthright and open.

The Letter M:

1) Music -- The universal language and something I adore! Making it, listening to it, concerts... so good.

2) Motivation -- I need motivation from positive sources. I don't do well when I'm berated all the time ; it doesn't motivate me because I am my own worst enemy when it comes to being hard on myself.

3) Make -- I'm a make it myself gal! I love homemade anything and everything.

The Letter N:

1) Nicknames -- Love, Red, Kiddo.

2) Numbers -- 3, 7, 11, 21...

3) Necessities -- I try to always have the following with me: Water, snacks, pen, notebook, chapstick, calendar and sunglasses.

The Letter O: 

1) Overnight bag -- PJs, jeans, t-shirt, underthings, toothbrush, novel, floss, moisturizer, glasses case, hair tie and wide tooth comb.

2) One -- Fine Daaaaaay... one... boy, one special boy..... singular sensation, every little step she takes....

3) Organic -- Food is the best!

The Letter P: 

1) Pet Peeves -- Long nails on men. Things being put away any old place in my kitchen. People not obeying traffic laws.

2) Pets -- My animal companions are currently two large main coon kitty mixes that we rescued. Someday, we'll have a dog, when our kiddos are old enough not to bother the pooch.

3) Personality -- I strive to be loyal, compassionate, loving, supportive, intelligent, openminded and kind.

The Letter Q: 

1) Quote -- "Eat some breakfast then change the world." - Hairspray.

2) Questionnaires -- Can be fun sometimes.

3) Quiet -- Who doesn't love quiet time now and then? :-)

The Letter R: 

1) Right Handed: Yes.

2) Restricted Diet: Yes.

3) Rosy: Outlook, complexion? Yes.

The Letter S: 

1) Season -- Fall is my favourite, but I love all of the seasons.

2) Secretive -- Yes, I can be at times.

3) Solstice -- I celebrate the solstices!

The Letter T: 

1) Time -- Is relative like age.

2) Today -- Sunday.

3) Trouble -- is my middle name; just kidding!

The Letter U:

1) University -- yes, I went, I studied, I graduated.  Someday I'd like to go to Oxford in England. :-D

2) Uniforms -- I wore one when I went to a private school from 1st grade through 4th -- I am not a fan. They are not "equalizers," they make kids more prone to specifically pick on each other and be cruel.

3) Unique -- Yes, I am unique... just like everyone else. ;-)

The Letter V: 

1) Vehicle -- I miss my Black Pearl, VW Jetta.

2) Vegetables -- Are my favourite! I am not, however, a huge fan of pine nuts or lima beans.

3) Values -- Treating every living thing the way I'd like to be treated; with respect, compassion, intelligence and kindness.

The Letter W: 

1) Worst -- Losing people you love with no warning.

2) Wonderful -- Feeling loved, supported, respected and appreciated.

3) Where -- I'd love to spend more time in few other countries.

The Letter X: 

1) Xylophone -- Yes, I've played one many times.

2) X-Rays -- aren't fun, but they're cool to look at.

3) Xeroxing -- The paper smells good and it's warm.

The Letter Y: 

1) Yuck -- Prejudice of any kind.

2) Yesterday -- Was Saturday! :-D

3) Yelling -- Should be reserved for Sports Matches.

The Letter Z: 

1) Zodiac -- Scorpio.

2) Zoos -- Are extremely depressing and I detest them. Animals should be left in their natural habitats, which should be protected and preserved.

3) Zest -- Is delicious and fun to make! Especially as garnishes or in baked goods.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Some days are more difficult than others...

The wind in the trees causes them to creak in their trunks,

Like the old, splintered wood of a dock during a storm.


Waves crashing against the moors like the leaves against my window pane,

Swishing and moaning with the wind.


The air itself is gray in early morning,

Thee dusty dark green of the trees and their whispering tops fades through...


Sometimes I long for the evergreen of New England,

The dark, cool forests and old stone walls.


On occasion I pine for the pines in the mountains,

Spicy vanilla floating through the air and the clean scent of snow on the wind.


Then there are the times I deeply miss the shade trees,

The big, old wise oaks and stately elms which keep the grass cool on hot, hazy summer days.


In the Spring and Fall, whether floating apple blossoms or deeply russet fruits heavy on the boughs,

Apple trees in their orchards call my name.


In winter it's the Solstice, Holiday Trees and the deep smell of wintergreen and fragrant boughs;

The sharp shiny dark and prick of holly bushes, with their crimson berries popping.


Ah, trees...



Thursday, June 4, 2015

Happy June!

Thirteen Shreds of Thought:

1) Listening to classical music is especially delightful when driving across Kansas, Oklahoma and Colorado.

2) The most delicious water is the water one drinks upon coming inside to a cool house, after being outside and sweating profusely.

3) Driving anywhere with a toddler who feels crummy and is throwing up SUCKS. Especially if the destination is a minimum of 8 hours and 45 minutes away.

4) Cats that are confident in life have much more fun outdoors than insecure and awkward kitties do.

5) A home remedy for a thirst quenching and electrolyte balanced solution is: 1 Quart (approximately 4 cups water) warmed, with 2 Tablespoons organic vegan sugar and 1/4 Teaspoon Sea Salt stirred until dissolved, then chilled.  Adding a shot of organic apple, pineapple or cranberry juice is a good idea if you want your kiddo to actually drink it.

6) Listening to Colin Firth read a book on tape is wonderful.

7) There is never enough time in the day to get everything done, so choose wisely.

8) Lily Tomlin is STILL fabulous.

9) Summer is my BAKING PIE SEASON!

10) One large window fan, is NOT equivalent to Air Conditioning on the top floor of any house.

11) If you're having a crappy day, sneak off somewhere private (to the bathroom if you have too) and read a few chapters of a good book. It'll turn you around for the better.

12) Roasted vegan, corn free and gluten free marshmallows are amazingly good.

13) It's never too early to begin a self-imposed summer reading list, project, goal, or vacation.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Let it RAIN!


Let it rain, for I don't mind, the grey sky, cloudy, cooling time.

   Down the drops shall fall and seep, the thirsty ground drinks happy weep.

      Cary Grant is on my mind; last night's movie plays rewind.
       
         Snuggled up, a cup of tea, a book and blanket, good for me.

            Friday's here, the sweetest day, the most relaxing one for play.

               The light drifts in, as through a fog, which pads through house like foot of dog.

                  Soon shall summer fires alight, to set a warm glow in the night.

               Rain is dewy, windy wise, eat things green and walk outside.

            Taste the air, it has the bite that summer days with salt, delight.

         Ocean blusters in my thoughts, blowing round my body, fraught.
       
      Dance the dance of roots and trees, digging deep the earth, and bees.

Sing for every blinking thing that's waking up, it's HERE.  The SPRING!

Monday, April 6, 2015

Pride and Prejudice... and so begins the list of favourite things.



"Pride and Prejudice," by Jane Austen is one of my favourite novels. It's full of passion, love, intrigue and misunderstandings.

Most of the time, I think that movies which are based upon loved literary works should be counted wholly as their own; separate from the beloved writings that perhaps inspired them. This is because often times, the films' plot is so very loosely based on the book that it's difficult to see the true connection anyway.

I will say this: of all the film adaptations of this book by Austen, Colin Firth shall forever remain the embodiment of Mr. Darcy in my mind. He is one of my absolutely favourite actors.

His presence is so strong, and his nuances so clever, layered and delicate. He is above all else, the most honest actor I've seen. I fall in love with every performance I see him in, and I could watch him forever because he shows his vulnerability so well in his roles. That is what makes a good actor; to make the scene all about the other person, and in doing so, to reveal the heart of your role.

( I hope some day I can meet Mr. Colin Firth. I'd love to shake his hand, look him straight in those dark and dazzling eyes of his, and say, "Goddamn you're brilliant." Then I'd smile and buy him a book and a pint, and send him home with homemade cookies for his incredible family.)


What I didn't know when I first read "Pride and Prejudice," was how amazingly relevant its representation of misunderstandings and miscommunications in love would be to my life.

Upon my first reading of it when I was 13 years old, I fell in love with the language and the fact that despite the ridiculous societal circumstances, the spread of class, wealth, reputation and limitations of communication between the sexes, the couples actually managed to figure things out and get together.

My thirteen year old brain felt the anxiety of Mr. Darcy and Ms. Bennet in the novel; the thin line between love and hate spread so because of lies, deception and the fact that no one would speak plainly in the moment!

When the two have weathered more than one painfully awkward situation, he finally professes to her that,
     ``In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.''

I remember my heart beating quickly at that moment, and I also recall childishly hoping secretly in the back of my mind, that the fellow I had a crush on would someday soon, profess as such to me.

If I am honest with myself, I cannot think of a single instance or relationship from my first true love (at 16) up to my last (and best) with my now husband, that didn't involve the anxiety, agony and relief that souls endure before one knows if one's feelings are returned.

I would also be hard-pressed to not count the one or many little miscommunications within each relationship that felt as torturous as waiting to know if you've been left for something better.

It took me years to learn how to put myself first in a relationship; I was forever trying to spare the other person's feelings, at any or greatest cost to my own. I was a martyr for love.

I was determined not to tell the truth about my hurt or pain; it was something I had to deal with on my own, it wouldn't do to dump it onto the other person -- never mind that it was what I truly wanted, or how I really felt. That didn't matter and it likely wouldn't change anything anyway.
How WRONG I was to believe that!

Thinking back on my experiences, I wonder at how ridiculous I was to think I was sparing the fellow's feelings, when in fact, not communicating either forced them to think that I didn't care, or gave them leave to do what they wanted with my blessing (when really, I was NOT okay with it).

I was not exactly dishonest, but I was secretly unforthcoming.

It's impossible to have a successful relationship if your partner has to pull teeth to get you to show your vulnerability. Being in love is to BE VULNERABLE!

This is something that I was not comfortable with; though I am a positive person in most respects of my life, in romantic relationships, I had an extremely logical, no-nonsense point of view, that greatly conflicted with my wildly beating and sleeve inhabiting heart.

Throughout my relationships and into my twenties, I suffered much heartbreak and hopelessness, because you see, part of me didn't believe I was lovable.

What makes this so silly, is that I know that I am a warm, thoughtful and compassionate individual. I know deep down, that I have much to offer, and that I try to be generous of spirit and heart.
The truth was though, I had a case of low self esteem of the soul.

I desperately wanted to believe compliments when I was given them, but I really thought that I didn't deserve them, so they must be lies. I remembered every criticism, whether just and constructive, or invalid and harsh. I had the ridiculous idea that I was being humble, when really I was just self-flaggelating.

I measured myself against the impossibility of perfection; if only I had done everything right, been as good as I know I can be, then my partner's love wouldn't have faltered. If I had loved the person enough, then why didn't it work? The hyper responsibility I was enacting was absolutely and irrevocably the thing that made me miserable with myself.

I deem it to be true that love NEVER falters. In reality, once you love someone, you never truly stop loving them --- oh circumstances may change, you become friends and love them all the more that way, or in extreme cases the love can coincide with other feelings, even hate, but you never really stop you see, because love never ends.

The mistakes I made with my previous romantic involvements were basically this: You, as a person, can never, ever hold responsibility for the feelings or actions of others. The absolute only thing you can control are your actions and NOT your feelings. 

A person feels what they feel, end of story. 
Simpering, and denying, or pretending not to feel, or being dramatically and condescendingly shouted to that "one shouldn't feel that way," is utter bullshit.

Be frank with the people you love. Don't withhold smiles or affections or punish them because you think it makes the times you are demonstrably loving more special. I've never done this, but I've experienced it on the receiving end first hand, and it's absolutely horrid and confusing. Don't be a prat: be honest. If your partner enjoys your smile, then smile when you feel it and make them happy!

Always fight for what you want, and I don't mean violence -- I mean SHOW UP. Hopefully you never date someone who believes in the idea of horrid little "tests," to make sure you care. Hopefully you're with someone who's honest and doesn't practice the bullshit of little dating or relationship games. If you feel it, do it! Shout "I love you," and run after them, but don't wallow in your own pain that "well, they don't want me," who cares, at least if you show up, you'll find out for real instead of muttering on 'what ifs,' in your head for years to come because you didn't try.

When my husband and I were first dating and had been together around 9 months, we had a simple miscommunication.
He was worried that I didn't want the same things as he did; that I had some sort of agenda and timeframe for us. As a result of his anxiety, I felt him withdraw emotionally. Instead of asking me plainly about my plans or designs for our relationship, he became distant -- I felt the change, and as I began to ask him about it, my pride was injured. It seemed as though he'd already decided that we shouldn't be together because we didn't have the same ultimate goals, even though we hadn't discussed the details.

 I then decided then to end it, before he could.

He left that morning, saying he'd call me on my birthday. I told him not to bother. I was cold and short with him. Inside, I was deeply hurt. I thought, well, it's over. He's decided and it's done-- not realizing that I was the one who broke things off to save him the trouble. I was the one who wouldn't let him talk further and elaborate on his fears so that they could be alleviated!

The rest of that day I tried to be "okay," with things, but I knew that I was heartbroken... again. 

Yet again, I'd messed up another perfectly fine relationship. I spent time with my girlfriends, but I simply couldn't be cheered. I had no appetite at all. I couldn't sleep. The old familiar hole in my heart that had torn and bruised each time it was broken with the ending of a relationship was a gaping blackness. 

Then, it hit me.

I am NOT going to go through this again. This is ridiculous. I didn't even tell him that what he thought I was thinking was entirely untrue! I was hurt by his jumping to a conclusion that he hadn't even leapt to yet! He was just worried about it-- he hadn't wanted to end things necessarily  -- he wasn't looking for an easy out, he was trying to COMMUNICATE with me and I didn't allow it! My PRIDE was in the way. I threw him out so I didn't have to let him in.

Having decided that I would NOT again be passive in the end of a relationship, I called him and asked him if I could see him the next day so that we could talk. He said yes, that would be fine.

I then sat down and wrote a three page letter about what I was feeling, what I had thought, how things had been misconstrued, that I didn't have any "designs," or "silly, stupid, female plots," and that I was being honest from the start about what I wanted eventually, with no timeline whatsoever. Things would work out, or not, but I'd be damned if they were going to end because of a stunningly dumb miscommunication. Because of no good reason at all!

In short, I showed up. 

I was VULNERABLE! When I waited for him to show up on his bicycle so we could talk, I didn't even care if we were getting back together or not, I just desired him to know how I felt. This time I was going to be true to myself. I was going to have my say, not quietly accept my circumstances and give up my power and my right to express my feelings because they weren't worth sharing.

It was the most freeing thing I've ever done. Finally I had stopped being responsible for other people's happiness, I had let it be okay for someone to take my feelings into account before making their decision instead of pretending that my feelings didn't matter and wouldn't affect the outcome.

He read my letter. He admitted that his fears, while not wholly unfounded, were slightly silly and entirely unnecessary because I don't play games. We talked for an hour and then we laughed and called each other on everything we could think of to clear the air and make sure we were on the same page.

He promised that he would simply talk to me, ask me, the next time he felt anxious. I promised to show up and answer and to do likewise for him.

Approximately a year later we were engaged, and a year after that (three years dating total) we got married.

I love my partner more than anything; our relationship has been one of the most delightful, honest, open and vulnerable things I've ever been through. I'll never stop showing up, baring my soul and telling my truth, because painful as it is at times, it's been the best thing I could have hoped for.


It's made our incredibly lovely life possible, and I wouldn't have things any other way.